Personal Effectiveness – Beware the Jekyll and Hyde Effect

  “The aim to be effective in the workplace is laudable. If, however, the investment this requires – of time, energy, bandwidth and attention – is drawn from the family vault, then it is a problem.”

Jayant was the Head of Legal at a client firm; I was engaged as an executive coach to help Jayant maximize his effectiveness at work. Feedback from important stakeholders is usually sought – and I insisted that he include his wife’s name in his list.

  Everybody at work – peers, reporting manager, team members – perceived Jayant’s biggest strength was his ability to remain calm under stress, to remain gentle and non-confrontative in all interactions, his emotional stability. As Head of the Legal function, he provided dedicated and consistently strong collaboration and support to others.

His wife, however, had an entirely different view. He is keen to respond to all emails immediately – but that leaves no time or space for himself or our children or me. Also, he gets irritable and impatient, and loses his cool very easily at home. He has a lot of latent stress. I was taken aback – was it the same Jayant she was talking about? The calm, cool and collaborative professional at work turned out to be an altogether different kind of person at home.

  The aim to be effective in the workplace is laudable. If, however, the investment this requires – of time, energy, bandwidth and attention – is drawn from the family vault, then it is a problem.

Family does not get time, attention, bandwidth from the ‘bread winner’.

“20 years from now the only people who will remember how hard you worked will be your family that you did not spend time with”. Hard work is important; people who take extra effort usually are very noticeable in their teams and organisations. But there’s a finite number of hours in a day … and overspending in one area will mean underspending in another!

Questions: Do you prioritise family time? Do you schedule it in your calendar? Do you treat it as a ‘big rock’ (Stephen Covey’s beautiful phrase)?

Actions: Spend time. Calendar it. Block off periods. Be there for important stuff.

Behaviour at work is unauthentic, and is compensated for in dysfunctional ways at home.

Workplaces ask – explicitly and/ or implicitly – that people behave in some specific ways at work. These desired behaviours typically sound positive and constructive – for example, ‘friendly, engaging’ or ‘calm, emotionally stable’ and ‘collaborative, team player’. The problem arises when individuals have to either make an effort to behave ‘on demand’ in ways that may not be authentic for them at that point, or are expected to always demonstrate a particular behaviour. This requires huge effort – and individuals get tired and exhausted, and “take it out” on themselves and the family. A person who is calm at work becomes irritable at home. A friendly person chooses to withdraw, be asocial. A collaborative person doesn’t pull their weight with household activities, tasks, or chores.

Questions: How do people see you at work? And how do family see you at home? Are they similar? Where are the differences?

Actions: Make a list of how people see you at work (start the list yourself, then invite colleagues) … and separately, a list of how family members see you at home.

– Look for opposites (“cool and calm <=> irritable and angry”, “great listener <=> doesn’t listen at all”, “articulate, good communication <=> silent and withdrawn”).

– Talk to a coach or counselor about these opposites, and get help to resolve them, be more authentic and consistent.

Family is not formally involved/ engaged in one’s growth and development.

People resist including personal relationships in their list of stakeholders for 360º feedback. “They are not familiar with my work context”, they argue, or “That may not be honest/ candid feedback” … and even “They will bias the feedback.” For the most part, this is nonsense. Family knows the individual well enough to give very useful feedback – which they usually do with candor and empathy.  By not involving them, the individual potentially loses out on a very powerful supportive factor in their growth – their family.

Questions: Do you formally seek and work on feedback from family? Do you involve family formally in your personal growth and development programmes?

Actions: Identify and work on effectiveness parameters for your role at home too – as a mother, or father, or sibling, or child…and there are so many more too.

– Ask for feedback from people at home, discuss it, work on it.

– Involve family in formulating, actioning and supporting your improvement plans.

In one study the top three regrets people expressed on their deathbeds were:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Beware of over-optimising your work-self, at the cost of your human self.

Author – Dr Anand Kasturi, CFI Coach